journal

see you get older every year

date: 7/31/2026

...but you dont change

today is the last day of july, in august, school will start

a few days ago, my abilify dose was doubled. as it has only been a few days, i havent noted any particular, significant changes, other than the fact that ive been sleepier, and my mind has felt a bit more fuzzy. i assume its drowning out the intrusive thoughts it was originally meant to muffle, which is good. i should probably start journalling a bit more, to track the progress of my medication, since it was advised of me to do so.

anyways, about school, i suppose im somewhat excited, but also equally nervous. not many people really want to go to school, but i feel like i have fair reasons for my disdain towards it. being in an environment where u would be frequently picked on almost every day for years of ur life does damage to u mentally, it makes u fear said environment. the reasons im nervous mostly stem from class placements, i dont want to be in a class with people who have hurt me. schoolwork is the same every year, i have no reason to fear or even be upset about it, as its become merely a factor of my life. at some point itll go away, and work will become a factor of my life in its stead. i have full ability to request class changes if im in a class with people who have negatively effected me, but i guess my worries just come from being reminded that those people are always going to be here. that theyre always nearby. its a discomforting thought. on a more positive note, im excited for the classes themselves. ive been practically aching to join culinary since i learned it was a class u could take, having my cooking dreams (dramatic phrasing, but yeah) realized is pretty... fulfilling? im also being placed in art, which is perfect for me, and choir, which im generally happy to be in always. im not close to anyone in the program.... still... but its enjoyable to me. its fine to be alone. people seem to think im always lonely, which yes, i can be lonely at times, but i work better by myself. im generally a quiet person, singing in a group just means i dont stand out, and im okay with that. i like singing. its one of my passions.

yesterday, i didnt do much, but i did play splatoon with my friends and watched one of my closest friends play persona 4. i liked playing splatoon with them, id enjoy playing more in the future. i find myself enjoying specific things more when im with them. i enjoy watching people play games when my friends do, or when theyre there with me. i didnt have people to do these things with me until this year, i believe. so its very eye opening for me.

summer hasnt been too eventful, so itll be better to have a schedule and go somewhere where i can observe my own behavior and see how i react to things. its hard to do that when im cooped inside all day. i think im finished. ill write more soon.

and the universe said "i love you"

date: 7/26/2026

...because you are love

ill be writing about events from yesterday (the 25th) mostly. this is because truthfully not much happened today but i only have the free time to write today instead of yesterday...

i went to an art market, "goblin market" in central florida, yesterday. i was mostly looking for persona merch (which i got) but its always fun to see the limitless creativity from people in their element. the amount of crafts, artwork, etc that i saw that impressed me seemed to be endless, every time i go to goblin market it seems to get even better... in the way that there ends up being more people and more art to view. i adore art markets and conventions, because while i dont like areas with lots of people, and crowds frighten me, i can admit something that can gather this many people, of different backgrounds, cultures, fandoms and passions, all together to share one space and have fun is genuinely incredible. it reminds me of what is beautiful about humanity, that we can make these events and find occasions to meet others. i got so many compliments just based on the shirt i was wearing, and i complimented so many people, being strangely outgoing for how i usually act. its as if the atmosphere of the place shifted something in me. which in all honesty, would make a lot of sense. i got a full print, two buttons, two stickers, and a little invitation to a persona/video game themed concert happening in august (next month!) me and my mother also went to the bookstore, and i got one of the more recent warrior cats books, "the elders quest." ive been needing to catch up on warriors for a while, and recently, with it being summer and all, could not have been a better time.

after we left the art market, we went to this froyo place in my old town. the art market was already located within said town, but the froyo place was a lot closer to my actual old home. it felt very nostalgic, since i used to go to that place all the time when i was a kid. i always picked out the fruity (hehe...) options because they were my favorite. we drove around the area and i got to see all the places i used to go to. it honestly surprised me how well i remembered the area. it was like it was on the back of my hand. in my mind i still miss that place, but there are ups and downs to both my old town and my new one. in general, the area i used to live in was a lot more rural, while the one i live in now is more suburban... generally more closely resembling the city, although i do live in a generally "ruralish" neighborhood... i suppose.

i think the only other thing i mean to write about is the fact that i had a bit of an episode last night, but the details of it are fuzzy right now. it was more extreme than usual, but i also recovered quickly, so im a lot better today. usually those things come and go, but i dont usually leave all my servers and gcs. i think, at the time, i was just really panicked over whether or not people genuinely cared for me, and in the most extreme attempt to prove that they didnt care, i left everywhere and waited until someone noticed. i realize now that doing that solves nothing, and if i wanted my fears to be proved wrong, i shouldve just communicated to the people i was worried about "not caring about me." but admittedly in those emotional fits i dont think rationally, so it makes sense why i just opted to forced isolation. one of my friends told me isolation does nothing but hurt me more. i realize now theyre right, and that doing that didnt really accomplish or solve anything besides making people worry for me. which i guess is what i "wanted to happen" but at the same time, i felt guilty for it.

thats all, ill write more another time.

the first sign of life was small... nearly meaningless...

date: 7/22/2026

...yet it led to so much, didn't it?

today is the first day of journalling. writing about myself takes a lot of pressure, so i likely won't be writing daily, especially since my life isn't too eventful to begin with. i guess since i never journalled anything before this ill try and talk briefly about how 2026 has been for me so far.

in all honesty 2026 has had its ups and downs so far. huge ups and huge downs. ive met some of the best people in my life, but ive also had some unfortunate run ins, or even stays, with some pretty terrible people. nonetheless, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and id like to say i found the light at the end of one tunnel in specific. despite the unfortunate circumstances it landed me in near the beginning, i couldnt be happier to be with my current friend group. the people in objectslop are all such amazing and kind people, i wouldnt be as happy as i am if i hadnt joined. that being said im also thankful for my old friends, who while i temporarily distanced myself from for a bit, i ended up talking to them again a lot more and realizing how much i took their friendship for granted. i love all of my friends and my old friends and friends who i dont speak to anymore dearly, every person in my life has changed me in some way. what they say is true, once u meet someone, u never truely forget them, even if they slip ur mind they still make up a part of u.

a bit ago, i switched twitter main accounts. i guess i just didnt like the pressure popularity has on u. ive always preferred being a bit more "underground" than being this well known artist in a specific community. i had an issue with being expected to Only make art pertaining to osctwt, but osctwt is one huge pile of negativity, and i felt as if being chained to a place like that just wasnt good for my mental health. i like multiple things, i switch between "main fandoms" frequently. the expections put on me were just too much. im sort of considering not having a main account at all, but im deciding to try it out for a bit. its going well so far, so i think im okay. i make art for myself only, thats what i want to remind others, and remind myself most of all. my work is my work. i dont owe a specific fandom content. besides, i vastly prefer posting and interacting with my friends more than strangers. i feel like maybe social media just isnt built for me, in an ironic sort of way.

ive gotten back into persona recently. my mind works in quite predictable ways, but the constant switching of hyperfixations is proving to be a little exhausting on me. i hope it isnt wearing down on my friends as well. to be honest, i never really got "out" of persona, i just stopped being hyperfixated on it. it sort of just went into hibernation in june 2025 and then... came back in july 2026, more than a year later. a year of time passed by, and yet im pretty proud of the art improvement from last persona hyperfixation to this persona hyperfixation. i wrote a few fics a while ago for it, i could probably try to write something again soon to see how far ive come writing-wise as well.

im unsure of what else to say. as of writing this, its 7 pm, so the day isnt entirely over yet. i might add more later.